Wow. It took me almost two years to gather up the courage to write again something from the heart.
And here I am. I will not be talking about the times when I forgot or failed to write cos this page isn’t enough to describe how I’ve been for the past year and a half. So, let’s just start talking about today.
It’s a holiday! The best news a student like me could ever get aside from moved exams and actually passing them. Being the bum that I am, I lazed around the day feeling restless, checking the internet (mostly Facebook) looking at people’s lives captured in pictures and clever statuses. And then a red dot appears on the top right which means that I have a notification. Well, we all know that. And this notified me that I have a message from God that He wants me to know of. That very message that was the very reason that prompted me to write this reflection. I’d like to share it to you in it’s exact terms:
Today, God wants you to know that…
your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
It hit me. Big time. Because it’s true.
We all search for love in so many forms and in different people hoping to feel that feeling we see in movies, we read in books and we imagine in the music that we hear everyday. Countless people have come and passed but still you feel so empty. The passage actually is the answer. We seek love for the sole expectation of getting all-giddy and excited without actually realizing that what also comes with it is pain, sometimes disappointment and a truck load of heartbreaks. And so we try to satisfy ourselves with the superficial and build barriers and walls to protect us from the very essence of what it is we were ultimately looking for, veering away from what we’re searching for. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because we’re afraid? I know I am. And that’s what’s actually stopping also.
I’ve had the privilege to spend time with wonderful people over the year and half that I haven’t posted and it has been a roller-coaster ride for me. I’ve reached to a point of actually hurting so many people because of my misconception of what it is to love and be loved. I’ve built so many walls that has made me feel invincible, like a rock, i broke hearts easily. It wasn’t a beautiful sight to see and it isn’t the lightest feeling that one can carry. After realizing how much this barriers have hurt so many, I’ve come to realize how selfish I’ve become and how I don’t deserve to be loved.
Despite that, I think there is hope for me and for everybody that feels the same. We have to realize that what comes with loving is allowing yourself to be loved. The only way one can do that is to accept yourself no matter how messed up you think you are. And maybe that’s what was wrong with me.I was afraid of so many things which includes accepting myself as I am.
I don’t know how to end this actually because even in life we don’t know where our story ends. We’re still n the process of learning and knowing opening ourselves to all the world has to offer – beautiful and heartbreaking things. So I hope, you (universal you) would find your way out of this labyrinth the easier way. Breaking barriers is harder than building them because you’ve gone too comfortable in it. But I hope I get to melt them all, eventually. Should I ever reach to that point,I’ll let you know from there. 🙂
Till next time,