Notification

Wow. It took me almost two years to gather up the courage to write again something from the heart.

And here I am. I will not be talking about the times when I forgot or failed to write cos this page isn’t enough to describe how I’ve been for the past year and a half. So, let’s just start talking about today.

It’s a holiday! The best news a student like me could ever get aside from moved exams and actually passing them. Being the bum that I am, I lazed around the day feeling restless, checking the internet (mostly Facebook) looking at people’s lives captured in pictures and clever statuses. And then a red dot appears on the top right which means that I have a notification. Well, we all know that. And this notified me that I have a message from God that He wants me to know of. That very message that was the very reason that prompted me to write this reflection. I’d like to share it to you in it’s exact terms:

Today, God wants you to know that…

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

It hit me. Big time. Because it’s true.

We all search for love in so many forms and in different people hoping to feel that feeling we see in movies, we read in books and we imagine in the music that we hear everyday. Countless people have come and passed but still you feel so empty. The passage actually is the answer. We seek love for the sole expectation of getting all-giddy and excited without actually realizing that what also comes with it is pain, sometimes disappointment and a truck load of heartbreaks. And so we try to satisfy ourselves with the superficial and build barriers and walls to protect us from the very essence of what it is we were ultimately looking for, veering away from what we’re searching for. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because we’re afraid? I know I am. And that’s what’s actually stopping also.

I’ve had the privilege to spend time with wonderful people over the year and half that I haven’t posted and it has been a roller-coaster ride for me. I’ve reached to a point of actually hurting so many people because of my misconception of what it is to love and be loved. I’ve built so many walls that has made me feel invincible, like a rock, i broke hearts easily. It wasn’t a beautiful sight to see and it isn’t the lightest feeling that one can carry. After realizing how much this barriers have hurt so many, I’ve come to realize how selfish I’ve become and how I don’t deserve to be loved.

Despite that, I think there is hope for me and for everybody that feels the same. We have to realize that what comes with loving is allowing yourself to be loved. The only way one can do that is to accept yourself no matter how messed up you think you are. And maybe that’s what was wrong with me.I was afraid of so many things which includes accepting myself as I am.

I don’t know how to end this actually because even in life we don’t know where our story ends. We’re still n the process of learning and knowing  opening ourselves to all the world has to offer – beautiful and heartbreaking things. So I hope, you (universal you) would find your way out of this labyrinth the easier way. Breaking barriers is harder than building them because you’ve gone too comfortable in it. But I hope I get to melt them all, eventually. Should I ever reach to that point,I’ll let you know from there. 🙂

Till next time,

Clang

Sinners and Saints

Man is complex. We are the best and the worst beings to ever roam on Earth (except of course, if zombies existed which are still human in a way). We are so complicated that we go through everyday always contradicting ourselves. Everyday we live our lives according to what makes us happy or near that even if along the way collateral damage might arise.

In our constant pursuit of happiness we encounter things that change us – our attitude, our life-world, our actions, our decision and even, our concept of happiness. This is a true manifestation of our complexity that despite that lifelong endeavor, the most constant thing will always be change.

We go about life without letting go of this goal that somehow, it makes us short-sighted that we forget the things that matter around us – the people who might get hurt and the hearts that might get broken.

Almost everyone has been hurt by actions or words of another. Perhaps your classmate not cooperating in a group activity, a random stranger who stepped on your foot and “forgot” to say sorry, your father criticizing your ways, or your best buddy who actually stabbed you in the back. The hurt you feel would always be beyond human comprehension. You would always wonder when and in what particular moment did you ever deserve being treated this way. These wounds can always leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even, vengeance.

You hold on to that anger so much its making you heavier, the worries and all the hurt makes your heart heavy. You hold on to it for so long because it gives you power – the power to dominate, to have an occasional passport to saying bad things about the person or the power not to give in to our inner voices. We hold on to anger because if we don’t we break down, we cry and eventually, we forgive.

But why is it so hard to forgive when all has been said and done? Is it pride? Forgiving the person would mean you’re weak because you bought their excuse and constant pleading. Is it weakness? Maybe forgiving the person is giving him/her the pass that he/she might inevitably hurt you again. Or is it because it’s the most natural thing we can do and we SHOULD do?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Then again, let’s situate ourselves in their shoes..would you want to be forgiven? would you want to be given another chance?

When we’re always on the side when we’re the ones seeking for an apology – we always contemplate whether or not the person deserves forgiveness; whether or not s/he deserves a second chance. But who are we to say who deserves a chance and who doesn’t? Would you want your fate be decided that way if the roles were reversed? Wouldn’t it be so ironic and hypocritical to think that we are so divine when God himself constantly forgives for the contradictions we’ve done our entire lives? We are all but sinners and saints in this world.

Yes we have been hurt and the pain never goes away – but in time, you’ll learn to live with it and learn from it. Life’s a constant battle where at some point you find yourself asking – How did I ever get into this position? How did I ever manage to go this far? Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. Its a growth that makes you look beyond what the ordinary see. It makes you understand whole-heartedly what it means to love your friends and what it means to love your enemies even more. For what is the use of using bible quotes and going to mass every Sunday when we don’t put the lessons we’ve learned to application.

Forgiving is hard, all the more when you trust. But then if you don’t – you would be missing out on life. You would miss the feeling of satisfaction of being the better person that you aspire to be. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace hope, peace, gratitude and joy. Before forgiving others, above all – you should first forgive yourself.

Happy Sunday everyone!

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Clang2

A letter to Manding

Ding,

Of all the things I miss, I miss calling you Ding. There’s just something about your laughter, so pure and real. Maybe because first name basis means you’re cool, you’re young and you’re also just like my friend. So whenever I get the feeling that you’re sad, I call you Ding over and over till you start laughing.

That’s one thing I miss too. Your laugh.

You, by far, have the weirdest face when you laugh. All your beautiful facial features just squint; you turn red and you start crying. But then again, no matter how weird your laugh was… I would give the world just to hear it again because my whole life, I’ve only seen you laugh so rarely. And that made me sad, regretful even, because I know I will never see it again.

To tell you honestly I feel fat and lonely; my tummy’s bloating from over-eating and I’m the only one awake this time, as usual. But whenever you’re here, you remind me how blessed I am that God gave me extra layers of fat to always keep me going; and with your occasional temper-tantrums, I know I’m in for some entertainment. You have a list of things to talk about, none of them was about you.

I just wish that you brought your cellphone with you wherever you are so I could receive random corny messages from you trying to lift my spirits up from a shitty day, then I would have meant all the HAHAHA I replied to you. I wish I spent more time with you when you wanted me to and reminded you how beautiful you were even when you were sickly, bald and impatient. But then again, what’s a daughter without the rebellion, the hardheadedness and the stubborn act that I oftentimes showed you? I guess I didn’t know you won’t always be around to remind me that I won’t be a kid forever.

But that’s how you always treat me; like a kid. I miss that. Growing up is tough, now that you’re not around. I could have learned a little of that angst that scared all the boys that tried to talk to me. I can hear you now shouting out the window calling me because it’s supper time and that afritada’s ready, my favorite. Even just the smell of your clothes comforts me because I feel you close, your warmth and your safety.

But Mama, why aren’t you around? Because this time, I’m sure I could have used some of your wisdom, your patience and your love. But don’t get all worried because I’m as resourceful as you are, I find ways of making myself feel that you’re always close..watching over me.

Watch over me and the boys that you left me with. God knows I can’t handle their mess. Truly, you’re phenomenal to have survived so many battles I know so little. I’m learning a lot about you now than the time you were around. Maybe because your presence didn’t require me to.

Your absence required me more than just the resourcefulness but also the strength, goodness, patience and faith. All the things that defined you as a person, as a woman and as my Mama. I hate cancer for taking you away but I’m equally thankful because with it, we have lived 4 meaningful years filled with so much love and joy.

Its such a waste that you haven’t seen me in my milestones, my prom dresses, my presentations, my glorious moments but then again, you’ve seen me in any way I can imagine because you’re my mom. That fact alone is something I always hold on to. Cancer cannot take that away, even my failing memory.

So wherever you are, I love you. I miss you.

Your 2-years breast milk kid,

Clang2

One foot on the ground

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We all delight on that everyday familiarity and security waking up with eyes still half asleep while you slowly get out of the bed and you haplessly plant your bare feet on the ground, firm solid ground. No matter how engrossed you are to the feeling of slumber, you’ll know you’re not dreaming because you know gravity’s holding on to you and you have the ground to hold on to.

That familiarity assures me like bubble wrap not breaking when you fall; like cushion without feeling anything after the impact; and of course, like titanium – bulletproof, nothing to lose, unbreakable even when life hits you hard.

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter, a bruise or a heartbreak.

My point is, I’ve long detached myself from that idea that you always needed someone to make you happy or complete. Happiness has always been a choice, and as far as I know, I’ve been that so far. There is a safety to only having to depend and count on yourself or to the ones you know who, whether they like it or not, won’t actually leave you – like your family for instance. Even that, is questionable. Through the good times or the bad, I’m always with myself in the long run. But of course, with all the trusting and caring too much – other people can hurt you, a lot. And this is why I’ve relished myself of really having someone to completely trust. I’ve always been on the look out, planting my other foot firmly on the ground. It’s like I’m missing the ability to let myself go because I’m shit scared if I do.

Countless of people always ask, ” Is there someone special?” I have my super-tight, ganap group of friends; I have my family; and of course, myself. Its as though they expect me to be with someone just because I wear make up, short shorts, or I look inspired and etc. Can I not be inspired without anyone’s shadow perhaps? That sounded bitter and I know I’m not. I’m sunshine, I believe I am. I’ve moved on from a phase of having to devoid myself of welcoming changes that might change my momentum, too.

I’ve moved on, no doubt. Sadness can be quite addictive. I think this is why I feel so screwed up. Trusting someone can confuse you, throw you off balance because it’s not just you anymore and you begin to welcome a million of possibilities that would most likely end up to just one, the sad one. I’ve learned that lesson a long time ago, the hardest way I’ve imagined. Clearly, I don’t want to experience it again.

But then again, by protecting myself too much; being too cautious, too controlled – I get lost and find myself missing the best adventures in life. Another month has just started, so I’m expecting a progressive change of pace and beat until it reaches euphoria. And when that happens, I’ll try not to look back and doubt because this time, I’ll definitely fly.

Nuggets,

Clang2

Le Beard

Okay. I don’t know why I’m writing this but all my life I have overlooked a person who means so much to me and has been an integral part of who I am today. And that is my one and only, my main man Papa.

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There was never a day in my growing life that I was not pissed or annoyed at him. He cracks super corny jokes; he can be really insensitive, he can be pretty frank, overly protective and very strict. That’s my Dad alright. He has this signature beard that’s going to make you think he’s part of the Mafia. There is this silent manner about him that makes him appear even more strict and grumpy. He forgets your name and uses shouting as his normal conversation voice. But he has these warm, chinky smiling eyes that wrinkles when he laughs along with his dimples that make him look younger than his years. He has this weird laugh that’s so infectious you don’t want to make him stop. And he has this ability to always sweep me off my feet and make me smile every time, in any way he can.

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What did my Papa ever do today that made me write this? Well he just acted like his usual self like what he always does the last 20 years of my life; Simply amazing. Here’s a list why my Papa is the most awesome guy in my life.

  • He spoils me. From chocolates to just about anything my Papa is the number one spoiler in the world. That’s because he’s afraid of crying kids so the second a kid shows hints of crying he splurges with chocolates or just about anything under the sun. Does the trick every time.
  • He makes me laugh. Well he doesn’t have the best jokes in the world trust me. Sometimes it makes you think so much it’s not funny anymore and sometimes it’s too corny that the attempt of making the joke is funnier. I just have to let out a small HA HA. Hahahahahaha!!!
  • He knows how to treat a girl right. Trust me when I say he’s the best flirt and he’s so generous too. A gift giver armed with witty compliments and he’s full of surprises. Who’s saying no to that? Damn. I’m like selling my father here. But really, he is so smooth like Santana; even resembles him a little. 😀
  • He has weird, eccentric taste. Like me, my father is fascinated to things that are unconventional. Brings me to new places every time and brings home any unique finds he can see on the way home.
  • Knows how to have a good time. Being the father, he sees to it that we are well provided for and taken care of by working hard. But you will be surprised that he even plays harder. From gardening, going to the beach to his favorite bingo game; he manages oh so perfectly work and fun like a boss.

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  • My moral compass. Like any parent does, he guides me and answers all my unasked questions. He just knows what to say when I’m not even saying things at all. He’s like the Supreme Court Chief of Justice where he tows everyone in line with his iron will and righteousness.
  • His BIG HEART. He can be such an arse with all the crap he lets me do and all the things he says that sting a little. But I don’t get mad. I just don’t have the will to do so because he is such a good person. He has a big heart that melts to just about anyone that knocks upon our door. And when he just gives out all of him to the people, that’s when I smile and tell myself – That’s my Papa right there.

So that’s it. It’s a long list really but these qualities really stand out for me and are the things I always see in him every day. Happy to have this man in my life and now, my mission is of course; to be the best brat in the world. KIDDING! Okay, I kid world! 😀 Okay, maybe I’ll just have to let him feel that he has succeeded in being the good father that he already is. Haha

Here’s to you Pa!

me and pa

Clang2