Someone texted me something that I considered to be the most heart-warming message I got during the holidays! It’s definitely an ode to a free-spirited person like me. This post is definitely dedicated to my very inspiring professor who has not only taught me so much but has become a father to me in college. He’s the one who texted me this message quoting from a medieval Turkish saint, Jalaluddin Rumithat has a lot to do with his fascination over gypsies and their way of life. So, here it is…
Growing up, I learned a lot from my Mom. But little did I know that the greatest lesson she ought for me to learn came after when she was gone.
I’ve always looked up to my mom because of an unfailing quality that has been ever so present in her. That is her strength, physically and emotionally. This scares people away because it gives off a certain effect not easily understood by them. She didn’t care and continued living her life – and her life, was us.
Our family was her life, apart from us; her past life was put on hold because she had us to worry about. With so many problems, she remained unmoved and was so strong. I thought her strength was built-in, a given and already a part of a product when you buy the whole package.
It’s extraordinary how you witness someone so strong, how you rarely see a tear fall down from their eyes. How you see sadness in their eyes but see a smile in their lips. She’s amazing. She was and will always be, for a daughter like me.
I grew up differently. I’m weak physically and emotionally. I have had a severe case of asthma in my childhood years that hospitals were like a regular thing. I was super thin, pale and pampered. Perks of being a sheltered kid is that they spoil you with all the toys and goodies but association with other kids will always be hard. Mama didn’t want us hurt so she’s the one who talks to the kids when they make us cry.
Soon thereafter things started to change when I grew up. I’ve had a taste of what life is when I transferred to Mactan Island. Kids were different here, they’re not afraid of teasing me and my other classmates in school never failed bullying me too. Some episodes my mother knew, some I kept hidden for I don’t want to make it bigger than it already is.
Mama taught me a lot of stuff like drawing beautiful girls with beautiful eyes. She encouraged me to sing and even enrolled me to singing lessons even though I was feeling lazy about the idea. She taught me spelling, which is kind of my forte now. And she taught me to understand, not only with the lessons in school but also the lessons in life.
Understanding has become one of my plus. I understood my world far beyond my years. Maybe because I was the only kid in a house full of adults; my siblings were 9 & 15 years my senior. But even then, understanding did not help me have a strong heart. Occasionally, even with the slightest offense, I cry. Even only when my dad calls me because he wants to talk, I cry. Because I knew that every time I cry Mama will always be there.
But then again I grew up a little, I understood things even more and then it wasn’t me who was crying anymore. It was Mama. The twist of fate is just so twisted that even the strongest people I know get the worst kind of condition there is. Mama had cancer, I was the first to know, she was searching my eyes…I wanted to cry but I didn’t, Not anymore. Not in front of Mama.
Right then and there, I decided not to cry. Not that I equate strength with crying. But sometimes, it’s the easiest way to let your emotions flow. But no, not right now. Not when it’s my mom who needed to cry; and needed me to cry on. All my life she helped me grow strong but not nearly strong enough.
It was the worst time for her to pass but she did. We were both prepared and unprepared. I mean, how can one prepare death right? But the challenge did not end there, it hasn’t even started yet. It started only when the fact finally dawns that there is no Mama to comfort me anymore, when I am faced with horrors that confronts my mom everyday – her past, her present and what could have been her future.
The most difficult time was learning to be strong when you’re in your weakest state. Learning to be strong even though your knees are failing, your hands are shaking and your tears are starting to fall. Learning to be strong because there is no other choice but be strong. Learning to be strong because I know that’s what would’ve my Mama wanted for me and for my family.
That’s what my mama wanted me to learn but she didn’t live long enough to see because I learned only after when she was gone.
When you want something so bad, you would do anything- Beat the odds, go through whatever to have it, reach it, or experience it. *Play MUSIC*
I have been having a crazy fascination over Ferris wheels and any of that kind lately. My past experience of the ride have been so happy that I desperately wanted to try again and again..and again. Just thinking about it already makes me so thrilled, excited and happy.
In the hopes of experiencing this again I devoted a part of my free time looking for carnivals or peryas as a portion of every hangouts I have with my High-school friends. So imagine the places where I’ve been searching for my Ferris wheel.
If you’re asking, why not St. James? We did go already but always on the wrong time. The time we went there, it was closed and without any other amusement options, we decided on some things that lead to a happy horrific memory. The trekking days with my friends go unwasted because ideas of my amusement ride linger at the back of my head. It took me a lot of weekends (sembreak weekends), with no luck I was not able to find what I was looking for. There were disappointments, obviously. Trust me, I told myself to stop already but there are reasons which I myself could not understand on why I’m being so stubborn that I’m already contradicting myself. I just wanted to STOP but I could not bring myself to.
But then again, when you want something so much, you go through whatever to have it even if there are occasional heartbreaks along the way.
Up until this weekend I was seeking desperately for my amusement ride. As luck would have it – the annual fiesta is nearing which guaranteed that there had to be rides somewhere in the city.
Saturday came and I got really excited. I finally convinced my friends (who were not-so-willing boys) to help me look for the rides in the market place where I expected it to be. I imagined it all perfectly – the adrenaline rush, the thrill, the ride and just the whole festive feeling. But after hours of strolling, we got hungry & never found what we were searching. I did not get my ride and had a few extras on the heartache department along the way, direct or indirectly related of the search – it doesn’t even matter.
Sunday came fast and I was a little down. Out of sheer boredom, I decided to go to Gai-Mac (Gaisano Island Mall of Mactan) with me friend BOOGERS to see the one that completes us 3, BONKIE. We chatted a little, ate ice cream, laughed over lame-ass jokes, and did our “obligatory” trigrups hug. Bonkie left because she was chaperoning her sister while Boogers and I had different plans. And when we say plans, it is yet to be planned.
Just when you thought all hope is dead and gone — you have that PROFOUND, SURREAL moment where everything around goes slow-mo, your friend becomes a blur and the sounds slowly deafening its way to silence and the only thing you see is the sight of the FERRIS WHEEL from afar turning and turning with its colorful lights on. Of course, It had to be here – where it had been every year. Good thinking Clarissa. Ha ha ha and I hope you feel the sarcasm.
So we were literally jumping our way to the park’s entrance and got really excited. We squealed, we rushed, we jumped up and down, we shouted, we ran and then —
Finally, the thing I’ve been wanting and searching for a very long time slowly materializing in front of me. All those efforts, heartaches..I felt completely nothing. I didn’t even want to ride the old metal thing twirling its way to amuse the visitors.
Funny. Funny how I thought I’d be so devastated not finding it. I’ve spent so much effort trying to look for it but the excitement just went away with the wind when I saw it.
Maybe I’ve wanted it too much that all the excitement consumed me there’s nothing left to exhaust anymore.
Maybe I’ve accustomed myself of being happy even just at the thought of it. Now that its in front of me, I only see the screws, its parts going rusty, the badly decorated banderitas and for the lack of better word, sad (?) audience there is.
I’ve wanted it too much I don’t want it anymore. I was so busy searching I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. The searching thrilled me. But that was it,
I loved the whole chase. The idea that what I wanted can still be a possibility I might enjoy when I find the ride. But when reality slowly dawned on me in a 20-peso-ticket ride @ your own risk amusement they’re offering, everything felt different. Everything felt alien. Everything started to make sense.
So we went out as fast as we could but made a mini-stop down by the karaoke machine and sang Hands Down for the road. We went out after the praiseworthy performance, no regrets but with many realizations.
And I know you know, It’s not just the FERRIS WHEEL I’m talking about.
You know i’m not one who falters from a challenge. Always have I tried to accomplish in my best ability tasks that has come my way. It ain’t rocket science, eventually I’ll find ways.
Please play the song while reading this so that it gives a more dramatic effect. haha*
But when it comes to the matters of the heart and that which involves more of how my life works–a problem lies. I can’t lie no more, I’m nearing the brink of my sanity. I’m getting crazy every time I wake up and think of the amount of life decisions I have to make for a day. I’m very fickle-minded, so i get really confused as to what I’m gonna do every time.
Give me anything that needs troubleshooting, i can fix in time. But matters of the heart, i just cannot. I appear absolutely pathetic and utterly stupid. Its embarrassing to think of the stunts I’ve done in the name of “YOLO” in love and life.
Over the weekend, I have had experiences that made me realize I’ve been holding unto something so slippery. Just the thought that I’m having problems holding unto it, saddens me. But why? I can’t lose something I didn’t have. So why fret my dear?
So I decided that wherever this experimental life I’m living goes, i’ll have to do it a step at a time. Trial and error, so they say. There’s no easy way going through life. Its not a math problem that you go over and over again but will have an answer as soon as you get your tes paper back which was heavily corrected with red ink by your teacher. It isn’t a piece of cake either. Because every bits of pleasure and the carefree living always has certain repercussions which might not be as sweet as dessert.
And surely, although rocket science is like the ASIAN lvl of everything…LIFE AIN’T ROCKET SCIENCE STILL. Because it’s way more difficult than that. At least, Rocket Science has a manual. Life doesn’t. WE have the bible but it doesn’t cover other parts in layman’s terms.
However it turns out, I hope I don’t explode into a million of dust particles, just wandering, leaving a part of my existence that will eventually fade into the nothingness, unwanted & forgotten.
Okay, enough for now. This is too heavy for an early morning!
Have a mighty fine day loves!!