A few steps away

Oftentimes, on summer days like this, we long for adventure and to travel far far away. There must be something about a destination that seems so distant and unknown that excites us that often blinds us from beautiful things already happening and existing nearby- just in the backyard, the neighborhood or somewhere where its just a few steps away.

Today, as usual, I plan to go out and have some wicked fun or some sort of adventure in the city with my friends or my cousins but it had turn out quite differently. Instead, my boys (i.e. dad, brother and soccer team) went to the open beach a few walks away from our house and experienced what I was always longed for – to relax on a beach under the sun without worries surrounded by the people I love.

What promises await for us in distant lands can be a rather fascinating idea but it doesn’t hurt to look around and experience equal satisfaction and fun even in places nearby. We don’t want to miss out on such beauties that we already have because we’re constantly eyeing for something that ain’t there yet. Just saying! 🙂 Let’s appreciate what we have while we still can! I’ve grown up in our place but it’s still amazing how it still takes my breath away!! Let’s get away for just a few steps away!Have a happy Sunday! 🙂

Nuggets,

Clang2

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Good…Bye.

I’ve finally decided on giving up my huge, orthopedic bed. The biggest comforter I’ve had in my young adult life. I’m giving it to people who needs it more than I do. I mean, it’s big..it’s really big it makes me look small. But really..I needed more space in my room because the bed is taking much of it as we speak.

But the bed is not just a bed. It has been my friend when everyone’s fast asleep. It’s been my handkerchief, my paradise and my haven. But then again, I can’t hold on to it forever. It’s making me much of a lonely person. It’s keeping me from all the people outside. But I’ll miss the bed the way I miss the person beside me always.

It’s not the bed that should remind me of her, but her memory and her warmth. Okay so maybe it’s time to let go of the bed the way I;m slowly letting go of Mom.

They’re not mere things anyone can take away anyhow, they’re always inside me and their memory will live on buried deep inside my sub-cranium and my heart.

Change is good. So here’s to a new space i have to fill up.

Re-modelling’s a good idea. This is nice!!

 

Pictures soon,

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Clang2

My kind of Good Life

Nothing beats the sun, the sea and some lovely company to take away all the stress and the worry! Despite the truckload that I have to do, i can finally feel summer!

Happy days ahead,

Clang2

In front of everybody, naked.

My classes are done for this morning and I have 4 hours to kill and be productive. And I’ve actually thought of doing this as something productive rather than reviewing my notes from last year. Oh well…student of the year award! Now, where was i?

So, I have this friend who shared to me what they were doing in their class. It was like a breath of fresh air when he told me they were reciting their Christmas break stories in front of everyone. Four years have passed before I’ve heard people do that activity in COLLEGE. Things like “What I did last summer..” or “My New Years Reso” were things only shared by Elementary/High-school students in class on their first days. Doing that in college seems really corny but at the same time, liberating. In between the fitting-in and putting up a good façade, we have this special moment with our classmates to make them understand by sharing a portion of us they don’t see or know. Some of them, of course, come really unexpected which make you pause a little and realize how little you know the person and how little they know you, too.

I have a picture of that moment in my head now. I’m imagining how someone may have lost someone special over the break, like how my childhood bestie lost her grandma. Some, like my friend, celebrated the birth of two babies; Jesus and his dear nephew. There’s this one fictional character in my head too, a shy girl, who has had her heart broken over the break. No one expected that because no one knew she had a boyfriend. See? All these different stories make up the people you associate with every day. These stories give you answers of unasked questions that have long been lingering at the back of your mind. We would never really understand or know had it not been this sharing activity, except if you really ask. But these days, we don’t ask –we just assume.

The things my friend told me that happened in his class made me ask myself: If I was the one who had to stand and share, what would I say? What was my Christmas break story?

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On the onset of the “-ber” months, one thing pops up in everyone’s minds and that’s of course, Christmas. It’s like the most awaited holiday of the year where the waiting is more exciting than the holiday itself. IMHO though, Christmas has never really been a standout holiday for me maybe because how we celebrated didn’t stick or has had bad experiences attached to it. Knowing that it was our Savior’s birthday was enough for me and I was thankful.

Looking back, I can’t really say my Christmas was clap-worthy nor was it totally bad but the days that surrounded the season was somehow tear-jerking. First, I was totally bored. I didn’t like it when I had nothing to do or when I’m stuck at home because I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts. The boys always had work which left me home alone most of the time. To compensate, I go out with my friends – mostly boys. We had fun, we played FIFA 2k13, watched funny movies, jammed over music but somehow I’m left alone, again, with my thoughts because of the lack of emotional connection I have with the boys. It was not because they didn’t care but because they just liked talking about DOTA more and stuff. But at least, I had company that I needed and that was all that mattered to me.

Second, it was actually the first Christmas that I broke all our traditions. Events of the past year have definitely changed my family’s lifestyle but I didn’t know that it would actually go to this extent. We didn’t eat together anymore (My dad, brother and I), missed family dinner on Sundays, buying of presents together, watching the fireworks display together, even setting up the Christmas tree and staying home on the ACTUAL Christmas day. I had to ask myself a couple of times whether or not it’s just me or are the times really changing? The weirdest thing was, no one complained, not even my father because he was out too, most of the time.

This got me into thinking…everyone at home was trying so hard to be busy or at least pretend to be. Maybe they really are or maybe because my 2 boys at home were just like me, lonely; and so they’re trying hard fighting off the loneliness the way I did. We’re not so different after all. But talking about it is not really our thing. So, we just cope in our own ways. Some play bingo like there’s no tomorrow, others let out their frustrations and do sports while others, just cry their selves to sleep.

And lastly, Christmas gave me the closure I needed. It was the first break that I didn’t have my mama around. It was like no one noticed or again, pretending not to notice. But it was definitely obvious that without my mom, a HUGE iceberg just fell from heaven and filled the house with coldness that numbs you both physically and figuratively. The warmth was not there when I needed it the most; even the silence was deafening. Sometimes, I find myself waking up in between horrid dreams of memories I’ve long buried somewhere at the back of my head. And then when I get up and get myself a glass of water, there, the same old picture I see when I wake up from a  troubled sleep: My dad and my brother watching whatever(sports) on TV. They can’t sleep too. And then there’s this droplet of water that runs through my cheek and I smile.

There were a lot of things missing but there are also a lot of things to take notice,too. We weren’t always together on the sunlit hours but times where its 2 am, 3 or so, make up our special moments. I don’t’ have the complete set, but I have enough to last me a happy lifetime. I needed warmth and they needed it too. Just like in economics, when there’s a gap between the supply and demand – FILL THE GAP. And so I did. I put on my glasses, drank my glass of water and went straight to the space that separated my Papa and brother. We watched the television until we finally fell asleep. Right then and there, I was happy because I was home.

And that, my friend, was Christmas for me.

Kisses,

Clang2

Tis’ the season…

Finally, the waiting is over. The countdown is done; the rush of buying gifts to and fro is all over because my dear friend; Christmas is finally here. Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas… But is it really Merry for all?

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Right about this time last year I was spending Christmas with the whole family at a hospital – it was gloomy. I tried hard to dress fancy but I did not win against the cold and hard white walls and floors of a medical institution. But nonetheless, I was happy because we were complete and that’s something worth the celebration.

Today, on the other hand, has been quite different. At home with heaps of food I’m figuring how to finish, the family’s incomplete – my sister was with her own family and had to go somewhere for a gathering, my Dad’s not home yet – which leaves me and my dear brother prepping the house. Not that he was a big help at all considering that he was playing FIFA 2k13 with ze soccer kids all day long.

Gladly I had THE Help, our yayas. They were so attentive with what to cook, what’s lacking, with that to keep and so on and so forth. When I had the time to take a break and just observe them – they were smiling but their eyes were saying otherwise. They were eyes of longing – very distant and lonely. And then a surge of guilt, pain and pity hit me. Ate Marcy and Ate Anne, although very cheery and attentive, were missing their families in a cold Christmas eve.

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The realization dawned on me. I was sad earlier but then it was all gone when I realized how lucky I was celebrating Christmas in my own home no matter what. And our yayas just had to stay because they’re trying to provide for the family. I can imagine how hard it is for them; when they could’ve been preparing their own food and taking care of their own children in their own homes far far away. But instead, they were with us. Not that we’re such a handful. But any child would have wanted their Mama right at their very arms on Christmas; at least that’s how I would’ve wanted my Christmas to be.

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So I give my love and appreciation to the HELP who have constantly taken care of our family and have gone beyond their selves despite the loneliness to celebrate Christmas with us! Food and wine will always make celebrations like these easy, but our Help made it bearable.  To ze soccer boys who have kept us company the whole day and made sure that no amount of good laugh was wasted away. To my dear darling nephew who has been acting like Santa giving gifts to everyone; to great friends never made me feel alone even when they’re miles away – Merry Christmas! Indeed, there are a lot of reasons not to be merry but trust me when I say there are a million of reasons why we have to. When the clock stroked 12, everyone I care for in the world was there and I was happy.

Merry Christmas world and hope you find the happiness I’ve found wherever you are in the world. Careful on the dessert, you don’t want to add too much pounds like I did. ;D

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Clang2