I’ve finally decided on giving up my huge, orthopedic bed. The biggest comforter I’ve had in my young adult life. I’m giving it to people who needs it more than I do. I mean, it’s’s really big it makes me look small. But really..I needed more space in my room because the bed is taking much of it as we speak.

But the bed is not just a bed. It has been my friend when everyone’s fast asleep. It’s been my handkerchief, my paradise and my haven. But then again, I can’t hold on to it forever. It’s making me much of a lonely person. It’s keeping me from all the people outside. But I’ll miss the bed the way I miss the person beside me always.

It’s not the bed that should remind me of her, but her memory and her warmth. Okay so maybe it’s time to let go of the bed the way I;m slowly letting go of Mom.

They’re not mere things anyone can take away anyhow, they’re always inside me and their memory will live on buried deep inside my sub-cranium and my heart.

Change is good. So here’s to a new space i have to fill up.

Re-modelling’s a good idea. This is nice!!


Pictures soon,




My kind of Good Life

Nothing beats the sun, the sea and some lovely company to take away all the stress and the worry! Despite the truckload that I have to do, i can finally feel summer!

Happy days ahead,


Sinners and Saints

Man is complex. We are the best and the worst beings to ever roam on Earth (except of course, if zombies existed which are still human in a way). We are so complicated that we go through everyday always contradicting ourselves. Everyday we live our lives according to what makes us happy or near that even if along the way collateral damage might arise.

In our constant pursuit of happiness we encounter things that change us – our attitude, our life-world, our actions, our decision and even, our concept of happiness. This is a true manifestation of our complexity that despite that lifelong endeavor, the most constant thing will always be change.

We go about life without letting go of this goal that somehow, it makes us short-sighted that we forget the things that matter around us – the people who might get hurt and the hearts that might get broken.

Almost everyone has been hurt by actions or words of another. Perhaps your classmate not cooperating in a group activity, a random stranger who stepped on your foot and “forgot” to say sorry, your father criticizing your ways, or your best buddy who actually stabbed you in the back. The hurt you feel would always be beyond human comprehension. You would always wonder when and in what particular moment did you ever deserve being treated this way. These wounds can always leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness and even, vengeance.

You hold on to that anger so much its making you heavier, the worries and all the hurt makes your heart heavy. You hold on to it for so long because it gives you power – the power to dominate, to have an occasional passport to saying bad things about the person or the power not to give in to our inner voices. We hold on to anger because if we don’t we break down, we cry and eventually, we forgive.

But why is it so hard to forgive when all has been said and done? Is it pride? Forgiving the person would mean you’re weak because you bought their excuse and constant pleading. Is it weakness? Maybe forgiving the person is giving him/her the pass that he/she might inevitably hurt you again. Or is it because it’s the most natural thing we can do and we SHOULD do?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you deny the other person’s responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn’t minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

Then again, let’s situate ourselves in their shoes..would you want to be forgiven? would you want to be given another chance?

When we’re always on the side when we’re the ones seeking for an apology – we always contemplate whether or not the person deserves forgiveness; whether or not s/he deserves a second chance. But who are we to say who deserves a chance and who doesn’t? Would you want your fate be decided that way if the roles were reversed? Wouldn’t it be so ironic and hypocritical to think that we are so divine when God himself constantly forgives for the contradictions we’ve done our entire lives? We are all but sinners and saints in this world.

Yes we have been hurt and the pain never goes away – but in time, you’ll learn to live with it and learn from it. Life’s a constant battle where at some point you find yourself asking – How did I ever get into this position? How did I ever manage to go this far? Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. Its a growth that makes you look beyond what the ordinary see. It makes you understand whole-heartedly what it means to love your friends and what it means to love your enemies even more. For what is the use of using bible quotes and going to mass every Sunday when we don’t put the lessons we’ve learned to application.

Forgiving is hard, all the more when you trust. But then if you don’t – you would be missing out on life. You would miss the feeling of satisfaction of being the better person that you aspire to be. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace hope, peace, gratitude and joy. Before forgiving others, above all – you should first forgive yourself.

Happy Sunday everyone!



Flying Kites


Kids are running everywhere at this time of day, laughing and looking for their kites stuck in the Sambag tree in our backyard. Everyone would try so hard throwing their slippers to the branches to sway the tree with the hopes of letting the kite fall in no time. But it’s stuck, so one goes up the tree to get the kite, while the others cheer down below. Its a life experience for all of them, the occasional worries of a child. Everything goes back to normal, running around like they didn’t lose a kite, bruise their knees or even fall from a tree in the first place.

They run, they laugh, they fly..carefree, without a care in the world.

I wish…nevermind.

I’ve been there before and as much as I want to go back but no. Besides, I’m 20 and I’ll have my share of adventures myself, only that its much more than flying, laughing and running…somewhere along the way there will be occasional stumbles, bruised knees, broken strings, and broken hearts.

The kids reminded me how different my life is right now from days back, months, years. I still have that kid in me but sometimes I forget about her when I’m drowned with a tsunami of worries coming my way every SINGLE time. Every waking minute I’ve been working on my thesis project to have my passport for graduation along with equally demanding subjects.

There are those worries that cannot be taken away with an all-nighter like what I always do with my term papers. Worries that keep you from sleeping, one that makes you restless on your sheets. They’re the kind of worries that stops you from flying because your heart’s too heavy and you need to unload. I wish strings could tie itself back when it’s cut loose, I wish my heart would restore itself when it gets broken and I wish trust could go back the moment you gave and lost them.

I wish…

I wish I was just flying kites on a summer day. Free, without worries and happy.



A letter to Manding


Of all the things I miss, I miss calling you Ding. There’s just something about your laughter, so pure and real. Maybe because first name basis means you’re cool, you’re young and you’re also just like my friend. So whenever I get the feeling that you’re sad, I call you Ding over and over till you start laughing.

That’s one thing I miss too. Your laugh.

You, by far, have the weirdest face when you laugh. All your beautiful facial features just squint; you turn red and you start crying. But then again, no matter how weird your laugh was… I would give the world just to hear it again because my whole life, I’ve only seen you laugh so rarely. And that made me sad, regretful even, because I know I will never see it again.

To tell you honestly I feel fat and lonely; my tummy’s bloating from over-eating and I’m the only one awake this time, as usual. But whenever you’re here, you remind me how blessed I am that God gave me extra layers of fat to always keep me going; and with your occasional temper-tantrums, I know I’m in for some entertainment. You have a list of things to talk about, none of them was about you.

I just wish that you brought your cellphone with you wherever you are so I could receive random corny messages from you trying to lift my spirits up from a shitty day, then I would have meant all the HAHAHA I replied to you. I wish I spent more time with you when you wanted me to and reminded you how beautiful you were even when you were sickly, bald and impatient. But then again, what’s a daughter without the rebellion, the hardheadedness and the stubborn act that I oftentimes showed you? I guess I didn’t know you won’t always be around to remind me that I won’t be a kid forever.

But that’s how you always treat me; like a kid. I miss that. Growing up is tough, now that you’re not around. I could have learned a little of that angst that scared all the boys that tried to talk to me. I can hear you now shouting out the window calling me because it’s supper time and that afritada’s ready, my favorite. Even just the smell of your clothes comforts me because I feel you close, your warmth and your safety.

But Mama, why aren’t you around? Because this time, I’m sure I could have used some of your wisdom, your patience and your love. But don’t get all worried because I’m as resourceful as you are, I find ways of making myself feel that you’re always close..watching over me.

Watch over me and the boys that you left me with. God knows I can’t handle their mess. Truly, you’re phenomenal to have survived so many battles I know so little. I’m learning a lot about you now than the time you were around. Maybe because your presence didn’t require me to.

Your absence required me more than just the resourcefulness but also the strength, goodness, patience and faith. All the things that defined you as a person, as a woman and as my Mama. I hate cancer for taking you away but I’m equally thankful because with it, we have lived 4 meaningful years filled with so much love and joy.

Its such a waste that you haven’t seen me in my milestones, my prom dresses, my presentations, my glorious moments but then again, you’ve seen me in any way I can imagine because you’re my mom. That fact alone is something I always hold on to. Cancer cannot take that away, even my failing memory.

So wherever you are, I love you. I miss you.

Your 2-years breast milk kid,