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Wow. It took me almost two years to gather up the courage to write again something from the heart.

And here I am. I will not be talking about the times when I forgot or failed to write cos this page isn’t enough to describe how I’ve been for the past year and a half. So, let’s just start talking about today.

It’s a holiday! The best news a student like me could ever get aside from moved exams and actually passing them. Being the bum that I am, I lazed around the day feeling restless, checking the internet (mostly Facebook) looking at people’s lives captured in pictures and clever statuses. And then a red dot appears on the top right which means that I have a notification. Well, we all know that. And this notified me that I have a message from God that He wants me to know of. That very message that was the very reason that prompted me to write this reflection. I’d like to share it to you in it’s exact terms:

Today, God wants you to know that…

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

It hit me. Big time. Because it’s true.

We all search for love in so many forms and in different people hoping to feel that feeling we see in movies, we read in books and we imagine in the music that we hear everyday. Countless people have come and passed but still you feel so empty. The passage actually is the answer. We seek love for the sole expectation of getting all-giddy and excited without actually realizing that what also comes with it is pain, sometimes disappointment and a truck load of heartbreaks. And so we try to satisfy ourselves with the superficial and build barriers and walls to protect us from the very essence of what it is we were ultimately looking for, veering away from what we’re searching for. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because we’re afraid? I know I am. And that’s what’s actually stopping also.

I’ve had the privilege to spend time with wonderful people over the year and half that I haven’t posted and it has been a roller-coaster ride for me. I’ve reached to a point of actually hurting so many people because of my misconception of what it is to love and be loved. I’ve built so many walls that has made me feel invincible, like a rock, i broke hearts easily. It wasn’t a beautiful sight to see and it isn’t the lightest feeling that one can carry. After realizing how much this barriers have hurt so many, I’ve come to realize how selfish I’ve become and how I don’t deserve to be loved.

Despite that, I think there is hope for me and for everybody that feels the same. We have to realize that what comes with loving is allowing yourself to be loved. The only way one can do that is to accept yourself no matter how messed up you think you are. And maybe that’s what was wrong with me.I was afraid of so many things which includes accepting myself as I am.

I don’t know how to end this actually because even in life we don’t know where our story ends. We’re still n the process of learning and knowing  opening ourselves to all the world has to offer – beautiful and heartbreaking things. So I hope, you (universal you) would find your way out of this labyrinth the easier way. Breaking barriers is harder than building them because you’ve gone too comfortable in it. But I hope I get to melt them all, eventually. Should I ever reach to that point,I’ll let you know from there. 🙂

Till next time,

Clang

Happy Anniversary!

I just got the news and I’m sorry. Although there’s only 2 hours left before its another year for us but I am glad to have you as one whom I could always count on. Yes, I’ m talking about the blog. HAHAHAHA

 

oh well.

 

there’s a lot I can say but so little time! A new year for us, a new set of adventures!

hopefully i’ll be able to survive 😀

 

thanks for all those who have supported this blog! more will come soon just not now at the moment because I’m studying for an exam. So spare me.. haha!

 

have a great day all of you!

with love,

 

clang2

Is there WiFi in Heaven?

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If there is. I’d be really happy.

So all my thoughts, the things I’ve wanted to say would easily get through despite the dense clouds, the millions of stars in the universe and the infinite distance between me and the other end.

I hope it’s just like how we all go to coffee shops and log in and type in the password and voila! connect to almost everyone all over the world. And because they have it in heaven too, we’d know what to prepare, what to do and what to expect.

If there was really wifi in heaven, talking to people you miss would be a whole lot easier – that even when they’re in a different dimension you can feel their presence because of this freaking-instant-gratifying technology. I would just spend two hundred bucks or so in a bookshop, coffee shop or any shop for that matter that offers wifi connection so that all the people I miss, especially Moma on a Mother’s day (like today), would easily get my e-card, my greeting and my love.

If there was wifi in heaven, everything would almost feel like heaven. You get the instant feel via IG, or the perks via twitter. But this technology, I’m afraid is only limited to human capacity and to humanity in itself. It cannot transcend beyond the unknown, to what’s out there – the space, the void, to the paradise we have all imagined in our heads.

And that’s one thing it lacks that makes it intangible, challenging and special. Because despite all the nothingness and the uncertainty you carry, you would still believe that there’s a heaven that exists. A place where all the good one’s, including our loved ones, have gone. That despite their passing, you talk to them not through the wireless connection that wifi offers but through the connections made by memories entangled by our faith in each other buried deep within our human hearts.

Happy Mothers’ Day to all the beautiful Mums out there!

Sending all my love to my angel, my mom, in heaven!

xxx

Clang2

I wish I could take my First Kiss back

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I wish I could take my first kiss back.

Back to the time where things felt simple and everything felt new, magical and an adventure.

Not in a cramped up space where I didn’t know what we were doing lost in borrowed time.

I wish I knew that was it – when our lips touched and when we sang our songs as one.

But there was not a melody to be heard nearby or fireworks to be seen.

There was no magic because it felt wasted, hastened and wrong.

That was then I knew kisses should be more than the touching of lips, the feel of each others’ breath

but the feeling…the ragged breathing and the loud heart beating.

Yes, my heart was beating. Fast. There I knew I lost something that can never be found – the magic of my first kiss.

Not magical at all. And then I understood the moment I felt naive and the moment I lost a part of my innocence.

My heart was beating fast. I lost my first kiss.

It broke my heart.

I wish I could take my first kiss back.

But I couldn’t.

I wouldn’t.

Then I wouldn’t learn.

I wouldn’t cherish.

I wouldn’t yearn.

xxx

To the one who got away

You,

You know perfectly who you are. You know how I mean to say a lot of things but can only let out a sigh, a laugh and a smile when we both look at each other. When we’re together, time seems to slow down and move so fast altogether that all the words I would’ve wanted you to know; words I long for you to hear, remain just words inside my head waiting for next time. Hoping that there will be a next time.

I am writing all the things I would’ve wanted to tell you in here because its the only way I know how. There is a slim chance that you’d be able to read this; but if you do, would you know it’s you? I say a lot of things hiding all the one’s I would’ve wanted to say but have no courage to. It’s exciting and very much heartbreaking how I hope there would still be something out of what we have; whatever it is we have. I’d like to think we’re friends; the special kind, the one that understands even without saying anything…even without the assurance of words but always leaving a promise of hope with every smile, every laugh and every high fives we make.

Silly that I remember all the silly stuff and funny things we do the most cause it makes me feel special, like we had something special. I’m confused as to how I feel right now and why I’m even writing this. I feel like a schoolgirl all over again except that it’s becoming heartbreaking now as I have always imagined in books and novels I often read. Its as if I won’t be totally free  without actually recognizing the feeling I’ve long hidden and denied to my friends and most especially to my self. I hate how much I enjoy your company when you call me silly names, when we play silly games and how we call each other weird and still feel good about it.

The paths we are treading lately seem to be as far as what I’ve hoped and even farther from where we’ve been. I don’t know where our roads will take us but I am wishing that we find ourselves , sooner or later, happiness that we both deserve even if it means we find it both in different companies, in different places and in different contexts. But just let me say that I miss you, just because.

It’s not our thing to talk about things like these because we’re more on the laughing department. We push away all the bad stuff by always remembering the good and creating a few ones along the way.

I am treading a path we both have not expected and I could say the same to you. Funny how God moves in ways we can never fathom, how time could really help us grow into each other in ways so unexpected —and somehow, grow apart too. I’ve tried holding on but maybe I’ve hurt a lot of people around along the way and more so, myself. Although it pains me to let go, maybe I have to because I would’ve wanted you to do the same. Everything will change but things will stay the same for you, for me, for both of us.

Of all the things that I have lost my grip on, you’re the one who gave me a lot to think about and a lot to learn from. I wish I could tell you this now but a lot of things are stopping me to and I know it’s better this way. You know how i love calling you names – from silly, weird, abnormal and out of this world — my friend,my classmate, my barkada and my occasional date..

But from now on..you’ll always be the one that got away.

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Till then,

C.