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Wow. It took me almost two years to gather up the courage to write again something from the heart.

And here I am. I will not be talking about the times when I forgot or failed to write cos this page isn’t enough to describe how I’ve been for the past year and a half. So, let’s just start talking about today.

It’s a holiday! The best news a student like me could ever get aside from moved exams and actually passing them. Being the bum that I am, I lazed around the day feeling restless, checking the internet (mostly Facebook) looking at people’s lives captured in pictures and clever statuses. And then a red dot appears on the top right which means that I have a notification. Well, we all know that. And this notified me that I have a message from God that He wants me to know of. That very message that was the very reason that prompted me to write this reflection. I’d like to share it to you in it’s exact terms:

Today, God wants you to know that…

your task is not to seek for love, but to seek and melt all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

It hit me. Big time. Because it’s true.

We all search for love in so many forms and in different people hoping to feel that feeling we see in movies, we read in books and we imagine in the music that we hear everyday. Countless people have come and passed but still you feel so empty. The passage actually is the answer. We seek love for the sole expectation of getting all-giddy and excited without actually realizing that what also comes with it is pain, sometimes disappointment and a truck load of heartbreaks. And so we try to satisfy ourselves with the superficial and build barriers and walls to protect us from the very essence of what it is we were ultimately looking for, veering away from what we’re searching for. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because we’re afraid? I know I am. And that’s what’s actually stopping also.

I’ve had the privilege to spend time with wonderful people over the year and half that I haven’t posted and it has been a roller-coaster ride for me. I’ve reached to a point of actually hurting so many people because of my misconception of what it is to love and be loved. I’ve built so many walls that has made me feel invincible, like a rock, i broke hearts easily. It wasn’t a beautiful sight to see and it isn’t the lightest feeling that one can carry. After realizing how much this barriers have hurt so many, I’ve come to realize how selfish I’ve become and how I don’t deserve to be loved.

Despite that, I think there is hope for me and for everybody that feels the same. We have to realize that what comes with loving is allowing yourself to be loved. The only way one can do that is to accept yourself no matter how messed up you think you are. And maybe that’s what was wrong with me.I was afraid of so many things which includes accepting myself as I am.

I don’t know how to end this actually because even in life we don’t know where our story ends. We’re still n the process of learning and knowing  opening ourselves to all the world has to offer – beautiful and heartbreaking things. So I hope, you (universal you) would find your way out of this labyrinth the easier way. Breaking barriers is harder than building them because you’ve gone too comfortable in it. But I hope I get to melt them all, eventually. Should I ever reach to that point,I’ll let you know from there. 🙂

Till next time,

Clang

Oh my cold

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So, obviously, it has been a long time. I swear that there were a lot of things that could have been written in between this and the last post but I never really did. Too lazy, busy, sick or whatever the reason was, was not good enough reason for me tonight. I’m bored, cold and very sick. The season has really crept up on me and it’s doing me no good to my nose’s extent. 

 

Four rolls of tissue after, my cold has not yet subsided and i reckon that writing this post would do well to me and at least keep my attention off my sneezing little red nose. 

 

Here I am now, trying to write my “Happy Holidays!” post if it isn’t too late. For what it’s worth, I had a good one. Better than what I expected. I hope you had one festive celebration, too. Have been really scared of the holidays after having lost someone but turns out I have had a lot of additions in my life already – brand new law school buddies, friends and those who have always been with me along the way. 

 

And I have gone a long way, i suppose. I just wish that I don’t lose anything on the process which I think is nearly impossible. We always lose something – a friend, a favorite thing or even our minds, right? But of course, we always hope for the best of things – that things, at least, would not turn out futile. 

 

And alas, half-way my break things turned out A-okay. Except for this damned cold which i believe will subside in a few hours. This blogging thing has done me good, after all. And I missed writing and just talking to the space and imaginary audience I have. 

 

I hope i have not sufficiently bore you and at least continue reading –

 

Happy Holidays, dear friends! May the spirit of Christmas be with you and your family bringing joy, forgiveness and prosperity among our homes. 

 

xx

Clang

Happy Anniversary!

I just got the news and I’m sorry. Although there’s only 2 hours left before its another year for us but I am glad to have you as one whom I could always count on. Yes, I’ m talking about the blog. HAHAHAHA

 

oh well.

 

there’s a lot I can say but so little time! A new year for us, a new set of adventures!

hopefully i’ll be able to survive 😀

 

thanks for all those who have supported this blog! more will come soon just not now at the moment because I’m studying for an exam. So spare me.. haha!

 

have a great day all of you!

with love,

 

clang2

Helluva Hangover

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Woke up later than my usual 9 am alarm because my head was spinning like I was in a small boat in the middle of the Pacific, waves slapping violently side by side. Only that I was wearing a pretty dress, smudged eyeliners that could mistake me for the Kungfu Panda and a hair that has never seen a brush for a century —– and then…..WOAH! How the hell did I get to my bed looking like this? Right then and there I knew that recollecting what happened might bring so many things I hope I could already forget.

Not the best morning of my life – bad hangover and an angry parent for having to experience the deluge that I have been last night.. or morning? HAHAHA.

All I could remember was that I went to my first ever acquaintance party in Law School. It was great. It felt great. I was feeling beautiful and I hope I looked exactly what I felt. After a loooong time, we had to party. Along with a few people I’ve been with for just over a month of struggles and late night studying, I was really determined to party hard and have fun. But fun had its limits, too.  I’m not always as great as I want myself to be. But I try to…with bumps and occasional disasters.

From the pieces I’ve gathered that I’ve tried to connect – there were laughable moments and of course, disappointing ones too. I am a bit disappointed at myself If I had to look at someone else’s perspective. If only I had to consider ONLY myself, just me — I was happy it happened because I know it didn’t happen often. Another item to strike off my crazy list. It felt bad-ass until the hangover happened! The hangover, as it was also my first time, was the only thing that warranted me that I’m not gonna be drinking in a long time. Also, the puking was exhausting and disgusting. I had to say sorry over and over again to my friend whose pants I literally puked on. Not the best night for him and his pants.

Oh well, now I’m writing this because although I’m starting to get over with what happened –  I know my Papa hasn’t yet. We didn’t talk since last night and I know he’s pissed. I don’t blame him. But I hope he realizes that he has gone through this already – he has been a foolish young adult once in his life too. It wouldn’t be growing up without the occassional stumbles and falls that leave scars or marks or memories that would really make us grow up.

It’s hard growing up in a home where you’re the only one whose not an adult yet. It’s hard to act mature and uptight always. Hard to take responsibilities when all you want to do is have fun sometimes and let loose. Its hard when their eyes are always watching you guarding your every move. I’m happy that they care but sometimes it can be a bit suffocating. But hey, I’m not complaining! I should be responsible with my decisions and actions too, right? Although i can’t really promise that I won’t be drinking again but at least I know where my limits lie…already.

But for now, I’ll have to deal with the photos of the beautiful disaster that is last night’s party.

I’m not discouraging you from drinking but like what they always say — Drink Moderately. 🙂

 

CHEERS! Hahaha too early a pun, i guess.

clang