You know perfectly who you are. You know how I mean to say a lot of things but can only let out a sigh, a laugh and a smile when we both look at each other. When we’re together, time seems to slow down and move so fast altogether that all the words I would’ve wanted you to know; words I long for you to hear, remain just words inside my head waiting for next time. Hoping that there will be a next time.
I am writing all the things I would’ve wanted to tell you in here because its the only way I know how. There is a slim chance that you’d be able to read this; but if you do, would you know it’s you? I say a lot of things hiding all the one’s I would’ve wanted to say but have no courage to. It’s exciting and very much heartbreaking how I hope there would still be something out of what we have; whatever it is we have. I’d like to think we’re friends; the special kind, the one that understands even without saying anything…even without the assurance of words but always leaving a promise of hope with every smile, every laugh and every high fives we make.
Silly that I remember all the silly stuff and funny things we do the most cause it makes me feel special, like we had something special. I’m confused as to how I feel right now and why I’m even writing this. I feel like a schoolgirl all over again except that it’s becoming heartbreaking now as I have always imagined in books and novels I often read. Its as if I won’t be totally free without actually recognizing the feeling I’ve long hidden and denied to my friends and most especially to my self. I hate how much I enjoy your company when you call me silly names, when we play silly games and how we call each other weird and still feel good about it.
The paths we are treading lately seem to be as far as what I’ve hoped and even farther from where we’ve been. I don’t know where our roads will take us but I am wishing that we find ourselves , sooner or later, happiness that we both deserve even if it means we find it both in different companies, in different places and in different contexts. But just let me say that I miss you, just because.
It’s not our thing to talk about things like these because we’re more on the laughing department. We push away all the bad stuff by always remembering the good and creating a few ones along the way.
I am treading a path we both have not expected and I could say the same to you. Funny how God moves in ways we can never fathom, how time could really help us grow into each other in ways so unexpected —and somehow, grow apart too. I’ve tried holding on but maybe I’ve hurt a lot of people around along the way and more so, myself. Although it pains me to let go, maybe I have to because I would’ve wanted you to do the same. Everything will change but things will stay the same for you, for me, for both of us.
Of all the things that I have lost my grip on, you’re the one who gave me a lot to think about and a lot to learn from. I wish I could tell you this now but a lot of things are stopping me to and I know it’s better this way. You know how i love calling you names – from silly, weird, abnormal and out of this world — my friend,my classmate, my barkada and my occasional date..
But from now on..you’ll always be the one that got away.