We all delight on that everyday familiarity and security waking up with eyes still half asleep while you slowly get out of the bed and you haplessly plant your bare feet on the ground, firm solid ground. No matter how engrossed you are to the feeling of slumber, you’ll know you’re not dreaming because you know gravity’s holding on to you and you have the ground to hold on to.
That familiarity assures me like bubble wrap not breaking when you fall; like cushion without feeling anything after the impact; and of course, like titanium – bulletproof, nothing to lose, unbreakable even when life hits you hard.
Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree, because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch, or you might simply get covered in sap, and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors, where it is harder to get a splinter, a bruise or a heartbreak.
My point is, I’ve long detached myself from that idea that you always needed someone to make you happy or complete. Happiness has always been a choice, and as far as I know, I’ve been that so far. There is a safety to only having to depend and count on yourself or to the ones you know who, whether they like it or not, won’t actually leave you – like your family for instance. Even that, is questionable. Through the good times or the bad, I’m always with myself in the long run. But of course, with all the trusting and caring too much – other people can hurt you, a lot. And this is why I’ve relished myself of really having someone to completely trust. I’ve always been on the look out, planting my other foot firmly on the ground. It’s like I’m missing the ability to let myself go because I’m shit scared if I do.
Countless of people always ask, ” Is there someone special?” I have my super-tight, ganap group of friends; I have my family; and of course, myself. Its as though they expect me to be with someone just because I wear make up, short shorts, or I look inspired and etc. Can I not be inspired without anyone’s shadow perhaps? That sounded bitter and I know I’m not. I’m sunshine, I believe I am. I’ve moved on from a phase of having to devoid myself of welcoming changes that might change my momentum, too.
I’ve moved on, no doubt. Sadness can be quite addictive. I think this is why I feel so screwed up. Trusting someone can confuse you, throw you off balance because it’s not just you anymore and you begin to welcome a million of possibilities that would most likely end up to just one, the sad one. I’ve learned that lesson a long time ago, the hardest way I’ve imagined. Clearly, I don’t want to experience it again.
But then again, by protecting myself too much; being too cautious, too controlled – I get lost and find myself missing the best adventures in life. Another month has just started, so I’m expecting a progressive change of pace and beat until it reaches euphoria. And when that happens, I’ll try not to look back and doubt because this time, I’ll definitely fly.